Well tomorrow J and I are going to my aunt and uncles house for my grandmothers Christmas before she heads down to Texas. Whooha! I don’t think my siblings and I have been in the same car together in over five years. We’ll see who screams first. (I bet A!)

Hmmmm, maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s SAD. Maybe it’s me and I need something else. Is it fear that keeps the desperately wanting to be accepted side of myself from feeling truly attached to my peers. Fear that someone will see the lazy messy unmotivated judgmental person. I hate having to be picky about my friends. I’m not even sure what friendship should look like. Should it be fluid, flexible, always different and exciting, or solid and dependable and unchanging? See I don’t know! I don’t know if I’ve ever known how to be a friend. I’m not sure if I can be the fluid, flexible, different and exciting, solid dependable friend that never changes. I know I’ve changed. I’ve become set in my ways. I have my life my routine. Do I really need to upset that with friends? Should I set my inner hermit on the front steps to keep people away or tie him up and stick him in the closet? I feel like I have a split personality. Which wacko is the real me? And can I choose?

And then there is J. Oh boy is he going to be a talker. He speaks his baby language like a motivational speaker. With gestures and inflection and tone and body language. As far as I can tell he is taking about his world and his relation to everything and what he is going to do. I want to squeeze him to bits. He can say Ah oh and ditty ditty for kitty kitty and chckin for chicken and dox for socks. He is also doing well with the signs, he signs more and kitty and puppy and bye bye and nursey and bath. We are working on owie so he can tell us if his teeth are bothering him. Right now he is working his way through a cold. Almost done hopefully snot free by next monday. Cuz the kleenex are running low.

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